12 posts tagged “period”

I'm such a sadsack today.  I can't really shake out of it either.  It seems that it's time for that monthly emotional 1-week adventure once more.

There are many things that happen to me during these kinds of weeks - I'm lethargic, depressed, overly philosophical, with my imagination on full speed...

It's no wonder that now is when I come up with my wild Life Metaphors.  Or maybe I'm talking about allegories.  I'm not really sure.

Anyway, though I've never described them before this [edit: actually, I just saw I have two other metaphor posts.  My bad.], I have tons of them.  One from last year was something about us all being in cages, reaching through the bars towards each other, sometimes making a connection, sometimes missing, and sometimes when we're reaching there's a fog and we can't tell if anyone reaching back or not. 

This time, it's a game of chess.  Pieces have been moved, but no definite, strong attack has been made.  He's screwing around with the pawns.  I don't want to make a strong move myself, it's not my style.  But I finally caved.  It's been too long, I don't want to wait anymore.  So I made a sneak attack when he had his head turned. 

Someone's going to talk to him.  The very same someone who gave me so much trouble last year, in fact.  He offered, and after much prodding I accepted.  I don't know how it's going to turn out.  Will he respond positively?  Will he not give him the time of day?  I was told it's weird and awkward for guys to talk about these kinds of things.  And if he talks about it, what will he say?  Does he have a plan?  Is he going to make a move, or is he just screwing around?

I don't want this to blow up in my face.  I don't want this to be a huge dramafest.  All I want is for him to make a move on his own, or leave me be.  But it doesn't look like I'm going to get that.  That's why I sent out a catalyst.

One could ask, instead of sending another boy to talk to him, why didn't you just do it yourself?  Like I said before, it's not my style.  I can't really explain it, but the idea of going to him first and talking to him is kind of repulsive.  I already had to do that last year.  It's a last resort sort of thing.  Not to mention the fact that if you have to go and talk to the guy about what the hell is going on, then that's Bad Sign #1.

It's unfortunate timing, this situation.  It's gonna be on my mind until something happens.

this is what happens when it's 5 in the morning, I'm pmsing, and I have neglected to post anything on here for like 300 years

it's weird, how all this shojo manga 'teaches' one thing, but life has taught me other things. 

for example, in shojo manga, it's always

"don't give up in your love!  if you like someone then you like someone!  it can't be helped!  love is so powerful!  you'll surely reach them!  even if they don't like you now... because you like them, you should keep liking them because feelings are so important!"

and stuff like that.  avid shojo manga readers will surely understand what I'm talking about.

but then, real life steps in.

"if someone doesn't like you, then they don't like you.  and that more than likely won't change.  you can't spend your time fawning over someone that isn't gonna like you back.  besides, who wants a person who doesn't like you?  move on, there is someone else out there for you."

i guess this is the point where one says, 'oh, this is fiction. not real life.' or something.  but it's just weird.  you'd think they'd want to teach us to move on instead of holding on to something pointless.  maybe it's Japan.  maybe they are actually like this there.  or maybe it's just Japanese fiction.  who knows.  in any case, it's annoying.

(I really should keep my poetic emo posts to my Wordpress story blog.  it's just better that way.)

I'm really excited for my job.  it seems like it's gonna be a lot of fun.  My boss told me I'd probably be working mostly at the counter, which is just fine with me.  It's a cute little snack shop by the pool.  it wasn't busy my first day, but they warned me that once it gets real hot & sunny (which will be soon here, I'm sure), it'll be absolutely packed.  oh well!  money is money!!  <3

we're still trying to sell our house. (don't know if I ever mentioned that on here.)  It's been on the market for 6 months, which is ridiculous really, because it's a beautiful house.  and we can't move anywhere until we get the house sold because we need the money.  the reason we need to move is because the taxes are too high in our neighborhood.  it's not on any city property, so that kind of tends to happen.  stupid annexation skipping over us.  what jerks.

I have hopes to go visit Betty in August, depending on if I can save up the money.  On a site I was looking at, http://www.studentuniverse.com/ , I found some round-trip  for like, $300.  it's a student flight discount site.  really nifty.  so, we'll see how it goes.  I'm pretty bad at saving money, and there are things like gas and car insurance to pay for.

also, most unfortunately, I know I've been pmsing [warning, post starts getting emo from here].  which reminds me, I was having some problems with it happening every 20 days or so, so when I went to the lady doctor my mom asked about getting me on the pill.  I have it now and haven't started it yet, but when my mom asked about it, she told the doctor I also had some pretty bad emotional problems during my pms. 

now, we had talked about it before, but I never thought it was serious enough that she would phrase it in such a way to the doctor.  or even tell her at all, really.  it kind of perturbed me.  I mean, I know how I can get, but I didn't think it was that abnormal.  I had always thought my mom was just as emotional as I was.  so...maybe I was wrong. 

like I said in a previous post, I'm really good at putting things out of my mind when they bug me, but when I do think about this I get worried.  in my life, I've always been the most "normal", in the sense that it seemed a lot of my friends had kind of crazy family life or emotional problems.  I was always the one who was just fine.  and then suddenly, I have an emotional problem?  ARRGH!  it makes me paranoid... mostly, like, I don't want to bother other people with my emotional problems. 

what if I have been?  what if all this time when I've thought I was right, I was just so drunk with emotion that I was blinded to what I should have been thinking or feeling?  and that other people could see it, but they couldn't tell me... or if they did, I didn't accept it because I thought I was in the right?  but when I look back on some decisions that may have been made in times like that, even now I don't regret them or think they were wrong.  so does that mean I'm always crazy ?  or just that my worries are misplaced?  probably the former.

what is this anyway, the time of change?  first I find out I'm 5'3, not 5'2, then I find out my bra size is so obscure it doesn't exist (28C).  now I have issues with my pms.  my whole life is turning upside-down!  grrrr!!

(at least I'm going to Texas soon... where I will be able to ride the roller coasters... oh man...)

So, I did my Music final today.  That means all I'm left with is Japanese at 10 am on Friday.  Which I'm not worried about.  In fact, I'm going to see Spiderman 3 at the midnight showing Thursday night/Friday morning.  That's how not worried I am.

But until then, I have nothing to do!  I can relax!  Hooray!  But, most of my time is spent relaxing anyway... so...

Mysteriously, I'm still feeling just fine.  The only problem I have right now is that I'm hungry.  But that's easily solved.  Also mysteriously, I have yet to begin my period.  Hnn.  I had it predicted for Tuesday, so it'll probably start ... tomorrow, maybe tonight.  Who knows!

I suppose that's all that's really going on right now.  After my final on Friday I'll be heading home.  I'm kind of ready now, but it's still sad.  All my friends are here.  At least I still have a few to keep me company back in Omaha...

I really should post more often when things are just fine, so people realize I'm not always an emo sack of potatoes...

I'm pretty sure I've been PMSing this week, so I haven't really wanted to think about things like boys and annoying problems like that.  But I still overall feel fine.

In other news, I'm going to a concert tomorrow!!  Holy CRAP!  It's a band called Anberlin that, guess what, Josh introduced me to way back in first semester.  I'm super super excited.

Then, I have a full weekend ahead of me.  On Saturday, there's the Red & White game at 12:30 which I am WAY pumped for... I really miss football ;-; student tickets for next year need to hurry up and go on sale...

But we'll have to leave early, because at 2pm there's the HARRY POTTER TRIVIA CONTEST!!  Wooohoooo~ we'll probably lose but who cares!  It'll be way fun!!  We're in Hufflepuff <3

Then in the evening, there are two events.  One, the Bathtub Dogs concert, and Two, some Frat Fighting Contest thingamajig that my friend John is participating in.  I forget what times these events are... and they both cost monies...

And then on Sunday, I have *dundundun*... a DATE!  Well, I did.  A boy from my music class asked me out to coffee, but he hasn't called to decide a place yet.  So if he doesn't call me... then... oh well.  Haha.  At least it helps me realize that there are many boys out there.

Then I have to go shopping Sunday evening.  I'm nearly out of lady products and I need to get Josh a birthday present (it's on Wednesday).  I'm thinking something like... a DBZ action figure.  Muahaha.  Hopefully I can find one...

So that's all for this weekend.  Crazy busy.  Then NEXT weekend, it's going to be crazy once again.  We're going out to Josh's grandparent's cabin for his birthday... and I guess... we are planning on making it an alcohol party?  I'm still tossing around whether I want to drink or not.  It's a big decision for me, unfortunately.  I'm doing my best not to worry about it though... I'll just decide when the time comes......

Betty and I were talking about going to the zoo that day as well.  Everyone needs to enjoy the Omaha zoo!!  It's pretty much amazing, so it'd be a lot of fun.

Then somewhere between now and next Monday, I have to squeeze in writing a script and then filming a skit for Japanese class... dang...

...Come to think of it, my birthday is coming up too.  May 6th... I kind of want to suggest making the Cabin Fiesta partly celebrating my birthday too, but I'd feel a bit silly & selfish bringing it up myself.  Someone should remember!! 

Well, I suppose that's it for my Life Update.  I'll try and remember to post more, especially after the concert and trivia contest... and definitely after the Cabin Fiesta... fo' sho.  Peace.

This has been a weird week.  I've been a pretty awful student -- skipping Japanese class the past three days, Music on Monday, and Astronomy on Tuesday.  But!  I got an 83% on my Astronomy test today, which I'm quite pleased with.  And I won't skip anything from here on out.  Except for on March 29th.  I'll skip Music for the Foreign Language Fair and spend the entire day with my sensei <3 eheh.

I've been really angry at the weather.  If it had only stayed springy and cheerful, I'm sure it would have carried my mood!  But no, it had to snow...and looks like it'll snow again tomorrow.  dlfkja;dlfjk  WINTER JUST GO AWAY ALREADY YOU'VE HAD YOUR FUN NOW LET IT GET WARM

...

Anyway.  Looks like I gots a full next few days ahead of me... an acoustic rock show tomorrow night... a friend Suzy coming in and staying over Friday... a formal dance Friday night (super excited!! free ...and free limo rides to there!)... old friends coming in on Saturday for a concert... uh...uneventful Sunday...

Then what's after that?  Hnn~  Britni is coming in Monday with her Japanese homestay personage Kana, so we can go Tuesday to pick out our room.  <3!!  I can't wait.  We find out tomorrow actually what time our appointment is.  Hooray~~

I'm pretty sure I'll start my period tomorrow (March 1st...cripes).  I feel it...

I feel like there's so much more I want to write, but it just has been a long day.  My brain is slowly exploding...

to remind myself: boys & downloading. cancer.

Once again, today is an amazing day weather-wise.  While earlier the predicted high was only around 45 degrees, it has suddenly found it's way to 58.  I'm so pleased!!  The wind is a bit strong, but it's nice in the way that is not the freezing, biting cold kind of wind.

All this spring-like weather makes me seriously doubt a snowstorm tomorrow evening, but that's what the weathermen are saying.  We're apparently supposed to get 6+ inches, maybe even up to 12 in some areas.  The only way I would be able to accept this would be through a snow day from school.  Otherwise, I am already in the spring mindset and I do NOT want to go back to depressing winter-land.

In other news, I applied for a scholarship type thing yesterday.  I just have to get a hold of two teacher recommendations before March 1st...but the two I asked have not gotten back to me yet!!  (A little worrisome...)

I'm hungry.  and I've also noticed that my thoughts on boys fluctuate an awful lot.  I wonder if I am PMSing.  I sure hope not.  I should check that out...

Dang.  I think I am.  Well, that explains a lot.

today was hopefully my final day of sickness.  I feel like I am in the "sketchy" area / borderline sick / I feel like I should be doing things but if I try then it's bad times.  so, I guess it's my brain that is fine now but my body is still recovering?

anyway.  housing application thingie starts tomorrow, for the apartment-style.  hm.  I should probably talk to Betty about that when she gets home. 

oh, forgot to mention.  started my period yesterday.  precious, huh?  they always taught us that it comes around every 28 days or so, but I think mine is more like 20.  jerks.  in any case, that is probably the reason my stomach feels funny right now.  I took two Midol and an Advil, though...ehh.

I guess that's all for now.  nothing too interesting happened today...

I just finished up the second of two books in an amazing vampire-romance novel about half an hour ago.  Though it was not as good as the first, it was still awesome beyond belief – and it also made me think.

 

Both novels spoke to me clearly.  The first’s main theme was mostly about the girl and her vampire lover getting together, the heart-racing intensity of the attraction and growing relationship.  When I sped through this book last week, I could sometimes point out similarities between the main character (in reference to her romance) and myself.  Though, of course, those similarities were short-lived due to the fact that the vampire and storyteller fell head-over-heels in love with each other.  My passion was not nearly that strong, and definitely not returned in such a fashion.

 

However, in the sequel, the vampire-lover had managed to drama-fy the situation by making the main character believe he did not love her, and thusly left her behind in the dust.  Though we as readers knew better, the poor girl was left to wallow in self-misery for months on end.  She often spoke of an aching, gaping hole in her chest, and with every thought of him was reminded of the fact that he did not want her, and that he was never coming back.

 

Once more, as I read, I understood her.  Though, my situation was nowhere near the level of pain hers was – I had no relationship to break in the first place, and definitely no love to lose.  But I had a heart that was ripped out, all the same.  My hole would be healed with time, much easier than hers for sure, but it still hurt like hell. 

 

That’s the part that still boggles me.  How can this hurt last for so long?  In the end, it was only a crush.  Perhaps I took too many things to be signals when they weren’t.  Perhaps I had too much faith, too much hope. 

 

But even now, I disgust myself.  Every time I get a new e-mail, or a new message on Facebook, or a knock on my door, my heart leaps a bit with hope.  Hope that he’s writing to say, “Hey, can I talk to you about something?”   Hope that he’s knocking to come in and embrace me tightly.  Hoping that somehow, some way, he’ll see he was wrong, that he made a mistake, that he wants me for more than a friend.  A hope that will never be realized.

 

It scares me that as I write this because I know it’s true.  My hands shake a little as I type the words that I really feel in my heart, ones that I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about, avoid admitting.  I feel like I’m borderline obsessive...and that gets me, too.  Being obsessive over a person is the last thing I want, thanks to the one and only relationship I’ve been in.  My last boyfriend, although a sweetheart, was definitely too clingy.  I know how it feels.  I don’t want to be that sort of burden to anyone.  Ever.

 

I know my heart will heal eventually.  But for now, I have to deal.  As much as I hate drama, it seems to gravitate towards me.  Boy L is only half of it – it seems one of my admirers from down the hall hasn’t actually backed down yet and continues to pester my poor roommate about it.

 

Oh well.  I guess it’s life.  Or, I guess it’s angsty, teenager life.

ps: I started my period.  Can you tell?
 

period's done!  life is boring!  addicted to guitar hero 2!  no snow for Christmas!  having a guitar hero party on New Year's Eve!  yay!

nothing else to report!  over and out.