12 posts tagged “mom”

I love my mom, but sometimes I think she's crazy.  (I guess it's my job as her child.)

Sometimes she just, you know, says things.  We had an argument today, a completely stupid one.  She told me she felt like the least important thing to me right now.

I was flabbergasted, to be honest.  When has she ever not been the most important thing in my life?  I always think about her.  This week, I was going to spend the night at her house tonight and tomorrow night, since my stepdad is out of town and she might feel lonely.  Whenever I plan things, I can never be concrete because I always factor in my mom wanting to spend time with me.  I have to say, "Well, let me check with my mom first."  My friends laugh and say, "Aren't you in college now?", but I do it anyway. 

I did it last week.  I told her that my friends wanted me to go into Lincoln, but I knew I hadn't got to spend a lot of time with her so I was wondering if we had any plans or if she wanted me to hang out at home.  She told me to go.  But today, she brings it up like I had abandoned her without a thought towards her. 

Now, I know, there's always external factors.  She hurt her back today and so she's working at home.  I'm sure it's painful.  But every. damn. time.  What she does and says affects me.

(finish later)

Ah, it never does any good to leave a post behind.  By the time I come back to it, all the emotions are gone and I don't want to delve back into the black pit that once was.

No problems!  Tomorrow...Indiana Jones!

An update on the Mom/K-boy Situation.

Well, I really think my mom was just having a bad day.  The day after I told her, she was acting completely normal, and today she even made fun of me for making out with him.  So, no, my mom is not racist, she's not crazy (well maybe a little), and she's not trying to hold me back from having a relationship or anything weird like that.  Everything is A-Okay! 

*confetti*

... not to mention slightly depressed. 

In the end, it's always boys that make me post on VOX.  No one knows why.  It's just what happens.

So, here's the story: For two weeks, I've been getting to know the latest Japanese exchange students.  There are a lot of them.  One in particular (henceforth known as Boy K, K-boy, or any other weird nickname I come up with), has liked me from the start.  The second he laid eyes on me he came over and introduced himself to me.  It's been a fun time getting to know him and the rest of the boys, especially Boy K because he was so different and forward.  (kintama ARI!)

So, naturally, I began to like him back a little.  When a cute, funny guy hangs around you and is constantly showering you with compliments and telling you that he likes you, etc, etc, I think it's probably unavoidable.  And so, even though he leaves for home in a week and a half, last night... I made out with him.

Well.  It wasn't hot and heavy making out.  It was just some, well, deep kissing for an extended period of time.  It really wasn't even that long. 

So anyway.  The real problem with this is my mother.  Now, she is an open-minded person, believe me, but all my life whenever it came to Japanese I always got the same reaction -- "What's wrong with America?  Why do you love Japan so much?  How come you only draw anime?  Why don't you draw other stuff?  You need to broaden your horizons!"  She is also severely against me living in Japan (or anywhere but America, I think).  Not just because of the mindset of "Why would you want to live anywhere else?" but because we are very close and she would miss me too much.  She has also told me to not marry a Japanese boy jokingly, but whether or not that was based in truth I do not know.

Because of all this, I had been hesitant to mention Boy K to her, even at the beginning.  For once, I was honestly unsure of how my mother might react, but I had the feeling it wouldn't be pleasant.  After what happened last night, however, I knew I had to tell her.  I felt bad enough for not saying anything up until now.  So 10 minutes before work, I gave her a call and confessed. 

Her response was, well, to put it simply, frigid. 

I couldn't read the reasoning behind the reaction over the phone, but no matter what it was, it wasn't good.  I thought that at the very least, I would get a laugh out of her, but no - in so many words, she said "I should have known" or "I knew this would happen".  Does she think that I am making out with him just because he is Japanese?  Of course that's probably part of the attraction, and I can't help that -- it's just the way it is.  But it's not the only reason.  Boy K is really a sweet guy. 

Or is she mad because I have known him only for two weeks?  And I hadn't told her a single thing about it?  Usually she gets a play-by-play from the moment that sparks start to fly.  This time, though, I was silent.  Because I was afraid of her reaction.

I tried to ask her.  "I don't understand.  Are you mad?  Disappointed?"  She was curt in her reply.  "No.  I'm at work.  I'm not mad.  I'm busy."  I could tell by her tone that she was upset somehow, but I couldn't figure out what it was.  It just sounded angry.  So I left the phone call feeling terribly hurt.

The hardest part about this is that kids often look most for approval from their parents, and that is especially true for me even as I am nearing the age 20.  Disappointment from my mother is my biggest fear, and one upset from her can shake up my entire emotional being.  Since the phone call, I've been off all day.  I felt like crying for the first 20 minutes of work until I got a hold of my roommate Britni and let her know what happened.  She comforted me by telling me that I hadn't done a bad thing because of the fact that I like him.  After that I was distracted with social activity, but since work ended I've been alone.  And the thoughts and worries have come back.  I have no desire to talk to my mom.  She's called twice and left voice mail, but I still haven't called her back. 

And yet, I still feel as if I've done something wrong.  Just because of a 10 minute conversation with my mother that went badly, I'm wavering on regret of what I did, whereas before the phone call I had none whatsoever.   Even though I don't know what she was really thinking, her feelings weigh in on my every decision and mindset.  Now, she could have just had a bad day at work or something.  But that doesn't change the fact that her mood affects my mood.  And I'm afraid to find out what else she might say to me. 

I don't think I could handle talking to my mom right now.  I'd probably start crying.  Boys are just too much trouble, I don't ever want anything to do with them anymore... my mom told me that love is one of the greatest things in the world to experience, but it takes so much goddamn effort to get it started and running smoothly.....  humans are so bizarre...

Here is my report of yesterday, January 24, 2008, aka Katya's birthday.

7:30 am.  Wake up to go purchase surprise donuts with Betty at 8 am.  Surprisingly not as difficult as usually.  Screw around on internet, then leave at approximately 7:48 clad in pajamas.

7:50 am.  Reach car in -5 degree weather (Fahrenheit).  With lack of wind and clouds, actually not that bad.  However, realized on the way there that car would be completely frozen over.  Betty calls at 8, informs that Katya is awake and with her boyfriend, therefore Betty cannot leave without being thoroughly suspicious.  I must traverse alone to purchase the donuts.

8:10 am.  Finally depart with car halfway unfrozen.  While driving to donut place, hear a familiar, unpleasant flopping sound that is strikingly similar to the sound a flat tire makes when it is being driven on.  Discover that it is indeed flat when donut place is reached.  Horribly flat, in fact.

8:20 am.  Drive very slowly to Betty and Katya's apartment.  After parking, discover that previously mentioned flat tire has now detached itself from the rim.  Rim appears to remain undamaged, however.

9:00 am.  Katya's boyfriend very kindly offers to change flat tire to spare dummy in trunk.  After much difficulty, a bigger problem is discovered.  In order to prevent stinking thieves from stealing nice hubcaps, one of the five bolts is special and more different.  A special key is required to take it off.  Said special key is missing in action.  This is very bad.

10:20 am.  Receive a ride home from Betty.  Terribly worried about car, especially since it is parked in a 2-hour parking zone.  Contacted father, who was not very much help, and stepfather, who was nicer but of even less help because of being in Canada.  Mother, who was possibly the most important of the three in this situation, could not be contacted.

10:50 am.  Decide to take a nap.  Screw classes.

11:30 am.  Mother calls back, finally.  Feeling particularly zombie-like after a very deep sleep.  Mother is not sympathetic in her tones, only matter-of-fact and slightly harsh.  Frustrating. 

12:30 pm.  Leave with Betty to get extra, more special bolt from car and visit a car shop to inquire about any possible solutions.  Realize upon reaching car that keys have been left behind at dorm.  Frustrating.

1:30 pm.  Leave car shop fruitless.  After an unsuccessful attempt with 411 to find New York Burrito, go to Chipotle and devour a delicious meal.

2:00 pm.  Return to my dorm.  Betty hangs around until about 2:35.

3:00 pm. Friend calls.  Do best to support him through his troubles with girlfriend.

3:30 pm. Go to event with friends called Get Rec'd.  Get lots of useless crap.

5:00 pm. Nap.  Deep, deep nap.

6:30 pm.  Wake up.  Last dream had was slightly horrifying. 

7:00 pm. Mother calls again.  Still not too kindly about the tire.  Tells me to find a boy who can fix it temporarily with "fix-a-flat" product.  Also scolds for probably amassing 300 million tickets over the day, even though nothing could be done about it.  I feel confused and scared.  Mother is scary when she's mad...

7:15 pm. Contact Betty to take me to Wal-Mart to purchase "fix-a-flat".  However, realize that it will not work if the tire is off the rim.  Give up.

7:30 pm. Begin to get ready for going out at 9 to dance club/bar Sir Tango for Katya.  Cannot pick a shirt.

8:30 pm. Finally decide on a shirt.

9:00 pm.  Leave with Betty, Katya, Paige, and Yume for Sir Tango.  Learn basic Tango steps.  Sit with Yume and talk for a half hour while the rest of the girls leave to pick up forgotten IDs.  Realize I have not ate dinner yet, and remain hungry the rest of the night. 

11:00 pm.  Too tired to dance anymore (I'm weak).  Continually asked to dance.  Politely refuse.

12:00 am. Traverse back to Betty and Katya's place.  Pizza is ordered with much difficulty. 

1:00 am. Pizza finally arrives and is enjoyed greatly.  Taken home by Betty. 

2:00 am. Sleep.

Isn't it weird when you come upon a song that you've known a long time and realize that it kind of suits your life at that moment?  Or ...does that even happen to other people?  Well, it happens to me.  (Though it sucks because sometimes it's only like, parts of the song that fit, and other parts that are like "WTF? No way!")

Nothing deep tonight... I guess I can just update my normal life.  It's finally come to finals week of first semester.  I have my History test on Tuesday and Japanese on Wednesday, but that's it!!  How lucky.  I'll be going home Wednesday afternoon, right after my test in fact.  I'm gonna shop with me mum. 

I'm looking forward to being home, but I hope I don't get tired of it too quickly.  Thanks to my new "period-only-every-three-months-birth-control-pill", I don't have to worry about my own PMS, but I do have to worry about my mom's.  Though she's never admitted it aloud (to me at least), I think she's just as bad as I am, if not scarier.  She certainly doesn't get all weepy like I tend to.

Then again, I got weepy before I took the pill.  Now I just get bitchy.  Maybe this whole "Dragon" problem is because of my drugs... Hmm...

Anyway, continuing... Christmas is almost here!  What the hell!  どんだけ~!  I still need to buy presents... for some people... oh gosh I am so bad at getting presents... I can't ever figure out what to get... and I take too long... aaagh!!  Can't we just all skip the presents and just hang out?!  ............. ヤダ・・・それは無理だね・・・・・・

Speaking of Christmas, ... Winter.  After Christmas, I am done with Winter.  I want Spring to come and frolic about.  Alas, here in Huskerland, Winter will last through March as usual.   And I already feel the pangs of longing.  The gentle warm breeze... the smell of the snow melting... (it smells like llama, did you know this?) 

But I can hope!  For once, a few years ago, we had a very warm January.  I can dream that it would come again...
(but I probably won't be so lucky.)

I guess that's really all for now.  I need to work on getting a job.  I applied at the school library but they haven't gotten back to me.  I need to contact them.  Aaaargh.

I need to write an essay about how I cannot accept criticism because of my mother.  I'd never be able to send it to her, though.  Maybe I could write a book about it.

It's something I've been pondering lately.  I haven't decided if it's true or not (because it's a hard fault to admit), but lately it seems to be true.

The reason being?  My mother is a very strong person, with very strong opinions, and a very high confidence.  This often leads her to thinking that, subconsciously or not,  she is always right.  Which she usually is.  (I think.  She makes very convincing arguments, anyway.)  Also, she does not like to lose.  But she admits this freely, so.

Anyway, I think I have inherited this fierce Dragon from her.  And because she is "always right", if I were ever to oppose her or voice my opinion to her, I am "always wrong".  (This has been ingrained in me by now, so it really doesn't happen anymore.)  Because of this, combined with my inheritance of the Dragon, I believe the same feeling might have been instilled in me.

I think, subconsciously, I believe that I am "always right".  That I cannot be wrong.  And I think to myself, "Don't be an idiot, of course you can be wrong, everyone is wrong sometimes."  But when someone gives me an opinion, advice or the like, the Dragon is immediately awakened, my defenses are up, and I am angry.  "How dare they.  Who do they think they are?  What an idiot."  These are my thoughts.

The only thing that might derail my theory is that there is only one person that receives this anger.  And that person is my roommate Britni.  So, is it because of her?  The way she does or says things?  Do they just rub me the wrong way? 

Or is it because I am close to her, and so my Dragon is awakened while it lies sleeping around everyone else?  But I am also close with Betty, my roommate from last year.  The Dragon is never awakened by Betty. 

But therein lies another question - has Betty ever really criticized me?  Or, not so much criticized, but at least given advice or an opinion?  Did she every give the Dragon a chance to wake?  Or does Betty just do those things in a way that it doesn't offend?  For sure, she has given me advice.  Last year I had many a problem, and she consoled me many a time.  Yet it was always gentle, calm, subtle.  Betty has a way.

So what is this shortness of temper with my new roommate?  Why does she fan the flames so, with such unnatural quickness?  For sure, she has known me three and a half years now, while Betty has only known me one and a half.  But I have changed much.  Has my one year apart from Britni made such a difference?  Has staying with the calmer, completely different Betty changed my outlook?  Does Britni's energy affect me in a more negative light now? 

I don't know the answers to these questions right now.  But this is what college is for.  This is the time for us to be growing up, to learn things about ourselves, to develop our personalities more.  I don't want to have an illogical Dragon within me.  A wise Dragon I will accept, because a Dragon is powerful and strong, but a foolish Dragon I will not have.

Then again, young people are always fools.

I often forget how strong of a rage can boil up within me at the slightest off-hand insult of my mother.  Or really any family member, I suppose.  Won't stand for it. 

It's one of the few things in the universe that gets me Real Mad.  I don't mean "real mad" as in, "golly gee, she sure is real mad!" but, Real, as in true, as in not frustration or annoyance, but true Anger, with justification. 

Ah well, lucky for the Hole-Digger, I am prone to brushing off smaller problems with ease.  One day, his holes may become too many, but until then, I shall remain kind to him.

Quote from Ringo Jihen's review on Shiina Ringo's first album, Muzai Moratorium.
http://www.everlasting-dream.net/ringo/specials/muzai.htm

3: The moratorium of innocence
Let us focus now on the title itself, "Innocence moratorium". The concept of "moratorium" is a psychological concept first developed by the psychologist Erikson, and then imported to Japan in 1977 by the psychiatrist Okonogi Keigo. In its Japanese acception, it denotes young people's tendency to delay their entrance into adulthood. It became an important issue in modern Japanese society; often the young generation tend to refuse to accept social responsibilities as adults. But it seems to me that Ringo is trying to excuse such a behaviour, by putting a word like "muzai" (innocent, innocence, not guilty) before it.

I think I have a lot of conflicting feelings that I tend to ignore, mostly about growing up.  My mom said it very aptly today during an argument/discussion/something that we had.  "Yes, you're already 19 years old, but at the same time you're only 19 years old." 

It's a hard place to be, because now that I'm at the end of my "teenage" years, I'm stuck in this limbo between childhood and adulthood.  I mean, that's what being a teenager is, but I feel like this is the worst of it.  I'm in college, I'm old enough to join the army, buy porn or cigarettes, I'm legally considered an adult in the eyes of the law, I drive... all these things that make me seem adult-like, but yet sometimes my brain still needs time to catch up.  I'm still so much like a child sometimes.  I still read my manga and watch my anime.  I like dorky things, I spend my time playing video games or being on the computer.  I don't have a job.  I drop classes without a second thought if something isn't working out.  I'm not as responsible as I should be.  I say stupid things to my mom.  It's a horrible circle.

College is supposed to be filled with wonderful memories, the "best time of your life", and I'm certainly not missing out.  But sometimes I think I'm just having a hard time growing up. 

I'm being ripped apart, because half of me says, "Who cares?  You like what you like, you are who you are."  The other half is screaming at me, telling me to get over myself and do what I should be doing, whatever that is. 

This goes hand in hand with my Japan hobby.  "It's your thing.  It's what you love.  Big freakin' deal.  Listening to the music, watching the dramas, it makes you happy so keep doing it." 
And then, "It's too much.  Why don't you like more American stuff?  What's wrong with America?  Nothing?  Then prove it.  Listen to American music.  Watch American movies.  Hang out with Americans."  And then I want to say, I do!  I do!  I love this band and that band, and these movies oh gosh I can't get enough of them!  And all these friends, look, they aren't Asian, I hang out with them regularly. 

............

Oh well.  I just talked to my mom again.  I feel a little better.  My roommate's gone for the weekend though, so I'm gonna go fix up some of the kitchen cabinets that are driving me nuts...

ps: That thing, the issue I talked about last post?  Resolved.  I have a date tomorrow night. ;)

so my mom randomly asks me today, "so markie, how many classes did you miss this past semester?" with that sort of smug, i-already-know-the-answer sort of attitude.  I was like, shit.  I still don't know how she determined it.  moms are crazy.

but, exciting news: I GOT A JOB! 

I'll be working at the pool at the number-one fancypants golf course in town, Champions.  awesome.  depending on what I'm doing, I'll make either $8 (at the counter) or $6+tips (serving or something).  double awesome.  that's definitely more than I made at Red Robin... my final wage after working there for a year was $7.30 (maybe $7.50, I can't remember).  and that was the only raise I ever got, from a starting wage of $6.15.  jerks.  (at least it was fun.)

I have my shirts, which are actually tanktops (thank god), and I get to go in tomorrow for my first day of training (read: tour of the club, introductions, blahblahblah.)

I got inspired last night suddenly for a Draco/Original character fanfiction, and I started writing it today.  It's really the first serious fanfiction I've ever done, so it's kind of interesting...... don't know if I'll post it anywhere other than my Wordpress account though.

lately, thanks to a certain amazing suzumiya haruhi AMV called "Skittles", I've become a little addicted to Japanese r&b styled music.  heartsdales, soul'd out, m-flo... they're all awesome.  a lot of it is cheerful and happy sort of music, so I like it a lot.  I also have fallen in love with the band Monkey Majik... such fun.

I really need to keep up on this blog.  but for now, I'm going to go write more.  <3  yay fanfics. 

I AM NOT SICK ANYMORE

I still have that once every few hours slightly woozy effect, but that's probably due to too much jumping around - I haven't really done too much for four days, so.

I think I should just get to rambling.  A good friend of my mom's, Valerie, is a really amazing woman.  She's the VP of a company in California, and I only met her once for about five minutes, but my mom's told me lots about her and I'm sure she's told her lots about me, too. 

Anyway, somehow, this lady decided that a good graduation gift for me would be $200.  That's more than my grandparents gave me.  Yikes!  I was really thankful though, and gave her a souvenir from Japan as a thank-you gift.  Now, recently, she called me claiming she had something to send me.  I gave her my address, and two days ago, in comes a card.  In it is a lovely letter talking about life in general, along with a check for - prepare yourself - $300.  Out of the blue.  "Enclosed is a small check to help you a little with some of your college expenses." ARE YOU KIDDING ME HOLY CRAP!

I have to call her tonight and tell her I can't accept it...even though I doubt she will take it back...yeesh...crazy woman...my mom says that she likes to help out young ladies be successful...

In other news, uh...um...mind blank!  Oh, here, Stand Up!! episode 2 downloaded.  I just need to watch it.  OH!  And I was all kinds of excited to apply for the apartment lottery, but NOOO!  The date had to be switched to TOMORROW!!  Jerks!!!  But, something good came out of it:

If a member of your group is not a current UNL student, you will need to contact the UNL Housing office (beginning at 10 am Thursday), during regular business hours. Please allow at least 4 hours for this setup to occur.

Hooray!!  But wait, does that mean I have to call them when I have four hours free?  That would be kind of annoying.  Because then I can't do it in the morning, I'd have to wait until after class.  Jerks.

Well, that's all for now I guess.  I wish I could remember what I wanted to write about last night...(all my inspiration comes while I'm lying in bed trying to sleep.)