13 posts tagged “boys”
An update on the Mom/K-boy Situation.
Well, I really think my mom was just having a bad day. The day after I told her, she was acting completely normal, and today she even made fun of me for making out with him. So, no, my mom is not racist, she's not crazy (well maybe a little), and she's not trying to hold me back from having a relationship or anything weird like that. Everything is A-Okay!
*confetti*
... not to mention slightly depressed.
In the end, it's always boys that make me post on VOX. No one knows why. It's just what happens.
So, here's the story: For two weeks, I've been getting to know the latest Japanese exchange students. There are a lot of them. One in particular (henceforth known as Boy K, K-boy, or any other weird nickname I come up with), has liked me from the start. The second he laid eyes on me he came over and introduced himself to me. It's been a fun time getting to know him and the rest of the boys, especially Boy K because he was so different and forward. (kintama ARI!)
So, naturally, I began to like him back a little. When a cute, funny guy hangs around you and is constantly showering you with compliments and telling you that he likes you, etc, etc, I think it's probably unavoidable. And so, even though he leaves for home in a week and a half, last night... I made out with him.
Well. It wasn't hot and heavy making out. It was just some, well, deep kissing for an extended period of time. It really wasn't even that long.
So anyway. The real problem with this is my mother. Now, she is an open-minded person, believe me, but all my life whenever it came to Japanese I always got the same reaction -- "What's wrong with America? Why do you love Japan so much? How come you only draw anime? Why don't you draw other stuff? You need to broaden your horizons!" She is also severely against me living in Japan (or anywhere but America, I think). Not just because of the mindset of "Why would you want to live anywhere else?" but because we are very close and she would miss me too much. She has also told me to not marry a Japanese boy jokingly, but whether or not that was based in truth I do not know.
Because of all this, I had been hesitant to mention Boy K to her, even at the beginning. For once, I was honestly unsure of how my mother might react, but I had the feeling it wouldn't be pleasant. After what happened last night, however, I knew I had to tell her. I felt bad enough for not saying anything up until now. So 10 minutes before work, I gave her a call and confessed.
Her response was, well, to put it simply, frigid.
I couldn't read the reasoning behind the reaction over the phone, but no matter what it was, it wasn't good. I thought that at the very least, I would get a laugh out of her, but no - in so many words, she said "I should have known" or "I knew this would happen". Does she think that I am making out with him just because he is Japanese? Of course that's probably part of the attraction, and I can't help that -- it's just the way it is. But it's not the only reason. Boy K is really a sweet guy.
Or is she mad because I have known him only for two weeks? And I hadn't told her a single thing about it? Usually she gets a play-by-play from the moment that sparks start to fly. This time, though, I was silent. Because I was afraid of her reaction.
I tried to ask her. "I don't understand. Are you mad? Disappointed?" She was curt in her reply. "No. I'm at work. I'm not mad. I'm busy." I could tell by her tone that she was upset somehow, but I couldn't figure out what it was. It just sounded angry. So I left the phone call feeling terribly hurt.
The hardest part about this is that kids often look most for approval from their parents, and that is especially true for me even as I am nearing the age 20. Disappointment from my mother is my biggest fear, and one upset from her can shake up my entire emotional being. Since the phone call, I've been off all day. I felt like crying for the first 20 minutes of work until I got a hold of my roommate Britni and let her know what happened. She comforted me by telling me that I hadn't done a bad thing because of the fact that I like him. After that I was distracted with social activity, but since work ended I've been alone. And the thoughts and worries have come back. I have no desire to talk to my mom. She's called twice and left voice mail, but I still haven't called her back.
And yet, I still feel as if I've done something wrong. Just because of a 10 minute conversation with my mother that went badly, I'm wavering on regret of what I did, whereas before the phone call I had none whatsoever. Even though I don't know what she was really thinking, her feelings weigh in on my every decision and mindset. Now, she could have just had a bad day at work or something. But that doesn't change the fact that her mood affects my mood. And I'm afraid to find out what else she might say to me.
I don't think I could handle talking to my mom right now. I'd probably start crying. Boys are just too much trouble, I don't ever want anything to do with them anymore... my mom told me that love is one of the greatest things in the world to experience, but it takes so much goddamn effort to get it started and running smoothly..... humans are so bizarre...
third post of the night (morning)
I just read all of my posts from the very beginning in November up to the end of semester fiasco in early May. Wow. Some of the things I wrote, just... wow. Mostly the beginning posts, they're kind of awkward and weird. I guess it's because I was so cheerful in the beginning, full of hope and excited to like someone. But looking back on my freshman year "romance adventure", the feelings I remember most are pain, sadness... depression. It's probably because the "happiness" part of liking him was so short-lived. It began in early November and lasted only about a month. After the winter break extravaganza, my heart had been ripped to shreds. And it took months to sew it back together. It wasn't until March that I began to feel better, and even then it still wasn't pieced back together quite right.
I remember how I hated myself the most in January and February. I skipped classes, I was lethargic, it was cold outside, I was depressed... and most of all, I couldn't separate myself from the one person that caused me all my torment. What an idiot I was! But, it's hard when you've fashioned an excellent friendship with someone, live on the same floor as them, and see them every damn day for dinner. As well as breakfast on the weekends.
Once I had gone home for the summer, and he had departed for a faraway state, my head began to clear. Thank. God. Now we're in our sophomore year, he's gone and made a girlfriend (kind of, I think), and I guess, I've gone and made a boyfriend (funny thing is, it's the boy mentioned in this and this post...)
The only thing I can dream of now is Anberlin's "A Day Late", so I can turn around and punch him in the face. Wouldn't it be grand? That's my secret desire, though, so don't tell anyone. ;)
It's getting late now, though. I really should go and try to sleep. I don't want to skip History again.
I'm such a sadsack today. I can't really shake out of it either. It seems that it's time for that monthly emotional 1-week adventure once more.
There are many things that happen to me during these kinds of weeks - I'm lethargic, depressed, overly philosophical, with my imagination on full speed...
It's no wonder that now is when I come up with my wild Life Metaphors. Or maybe I'm talking about allegories. I'm not really sure.
Anyway, though I've never described them before this [edit: actually, I just saw I have two other metaphor posts. My bad.], I have tons of them. One from last year was something about us all being in cages, reaching through the bars towards each other, sometimes making a connection, sometimes missing, and sometimes when we're reaching there's a fog and we can't tell if anyone reaching back or not.
This time, it's a game of chess. Pieces have been moved, but no definite, strong attack has been made. He's screwing around with the pawns. I don't want to make a strong move myself, it's not my style. But I finally caved. It's been too long, I don't want to wait anymore. So I made a sneak attack when he had his head turned.
Someone's going to talk to him. The very same someone who gave me so much trouble last year, in fact. He offered, and after much prodding I accepted. I don't know how it's going to turn out. Will he respond positively? Will he not give him the time of day? I was told it's weird and awkward for guys to talk about these kinds of things. And if he talks about it, what will he say? Does he have a plan? Is he going to make a move, or is he just screwing around?
I don't want this to blow up in my face. I don't want this to be a huge dramafest. All I want is for him to make a move on his own, or leave me be. But it doesn't look like I'm going to get that. That's why I sent out a catalyst.
One could ask, instead of sending another boy to talk to him, why didn't you just do it yourself? Like I said before, it's not my style. I can't really explain it, but the idea of going to him first and talking to him is kind of repulsive. I already had to do that last year. It's a last resort sort of thing. Not to mention the fact that if you have to go and talk to the guy about what the hell is going on, then that's Bad Sign #1.
It's unfortunate timing, this situation. It's gonna be on my mind until something happens.
hmm. Not much really has happened lately. Or, I guess, a lot has happened...maybe...but, I can't believe it's April already! We're in the last month of school!! HOLY CRAP WHERE HAS MY LIFE GONE
This is what we did last night... another glorious addition to Abel 9 Music Videos.
I still get those bouts of uneasiness sometimes, but not as much I think. Or maybe they're more than often. Who knows. During breakfast today my roommate said that a boy she hung out last night said she "makes boys think she likes them". She laughed about it to us, saying she never intended such things... we jokingly called her a tease, and another girl called that Boy a tease, too. Which of course I had already been thinking about. Is that how it is?
He and I kind of fell asleep together in the lounge last night (/this morning). I was a little self-conscious because we were facing each other, probably less than a foot apart (though upside-down). But, whatever~
Of course, Nebraska is going to be difficult this week... tomorrow it's supposed to be 78 degrees, and Wednesday is predicted to be a lovely 42. I hope it changes. (ノ｀△´)ノ
[update] I forgot to mention. Current weirdness is...me being keenly aware of his scent. I used to just smell it in his room, but now I pick up on it every time I sit next to him. GRR ANNOYING
I’ve been thinking a bit lately about what my “type” might be. What sort of guy would I really be happy with? Here’s what I can come up with off the top of my head, physical and otherwise.
- Tall. [not hard, considering I’m short]
- Looks sexy in glasses, but only wears them once in a while.
- Makes me laugh. Hard. A lot.
- Likes rock music.
- Smart, but not so smart that I feel like an idiot being around him.
- Kind. [duh.]
- Likes animals as much as I do. Which is a lot.
- Can accept my weird Japanese habits…and potentially share them
- VIDEO GAMES.
- Preferably skinny-boy. Muscles are always a nice touch.
- Oh yeah. Can’t forget: ATTRACTIVE.
- Forceful. (Example: I have my arms full, carrying various things. He offers to help, and I tell him it’s fine. He takes it out of my arms anyway and carries it for me.)
- Is a weirdo, but in a good way.
- Can appreciate old music.
- Has no problem with homosexuals.
- Won't try to get me to try out things I am really against. Such as eating deer, doing sports, etc. [Okay, maybe I can make an exception for the sports... once in a while... ]
This is all I can think of for now… I suppose I’ll find out more as I grow.
Well, I'm back! I had literally 50 new e-mails to go through upon checking my mail. How exciting. I managed to keep a written diary over the past week, which helped a lot I think. My emotions went up and down as usual, and now I just feel kind of weird. But, I was sick Friday and Saturday, so I feel weird anyway.
I didn't receive any phone calls from the Boy, and he has yet to mention my absence from the online community. My mom said to me, "Did you really expect him to call?" and I wonder if I did or not. I think the week before break had led me to believe that somehow, some way...ah, who cares. XD Doesn't really matter, huh?
The last episode of my drama, Hana Yori Dango, finally aired on Friday. I was pleased with the ending <3 I think, if I recall correctly, that I like it more than the manga ending. MatsuJun has another one coming up in April called Bambino! ...can't wait!! Plus, there is a whole crapload of movies I'm looking forward too - MatsuJun's Boku no Imouto ni Koi wo Suru, Tsuchiya Anna's Sakuran, and Arashi's Kiiroi Namida.
Speaking of MatsuJun, there was a wild rumor that he got Friday'd with Keiko Kitagawa (whom I only know of as Sailor Mars from the Sailormoon live action) saying that they were dating. But there were no pictures, so I guess people are calling it false.
Also related to the j-music world, I have been listening to entirely too much Hello! Project recently. It's like it's taking over my life, all thanks to ブリとニー (Britni). I watch a ton of videos of them too. It's just H!P, all the time. I wake up with their songs stuck in my head. I stay up late watching Mini Moni Chiccha. What am I doing with my life?!
So, back to dorama, I need to find another one to occupy my time until April 18th... preferably one with pretty JE boys... I think I saw something about Nino being in one? Maybe not. I want another comedy...
This has been a weird week. I've been a pretty awful student -- skipping Japanese class the past three days, Music on Monday, and Astronomy on Tuesday. But! I got an 83% on my Astronomy test today, which I'm quite pleased with. And I won't skip anything from here on out. Except for on March 29th. I'll skip Music for the Foreign Language Fair and spend the entire day with my sensei <3 eheh.
I've been really angry at the weather. If it had only stayed springy and cheerful, I'm sure it would have carried my mood! But no, it had to snow...and looks like it'll snow again tomorrow. dlfkja;dlfjk WINTER JUST GO AWAY ALREADY YOU'VE HAD YOUR FUN NOW LET IT GET WARM
...
Anyway. Looks like I gots a full next few days ahead of me... an acoustic rock show tomorrow night... a friend Suzy coming in and staying over Friday... a formal dance Friday night (super excited!! free ...and free limo rides to there!)... old friends coming in on Saturday for a concert... uh...uneventful Sunday...
Then what's after that? Hnn~ Britni is coming in Monday with her Japanese homestay personage Kana, so we can go Tuesday to pick out our room. <3!! I can't wait. We find out tomorrow actually what time our appointment is. Hooray~~
I'm pretty sure I'll start my period tomorrow (March 1st...cripes). I feel it...
I feel like there's so much more I want to write, but it just has been a long day. My brain is slowly exploding...
to remind myself: boys & downloading. cancer.
Once again, today is an amazing day weather-wise. While earlier the predicted high was only around 45 degrees, it has suddenly found it's way to 58. I'm so pleased!! The wind is a bit strong, but it's nice in the way that is not the freezing, biting cold kind of wind.
All this spring-like weather makes me seriously doubt a snowstorm tomorrow evening, but that's what the weathermen are saying. We're apparently supposed to get 6+ inches, maybe even up to 12 in some areas. The only way I would be able to accept this would be through a snow day from school. Otherwise, I am already in the spring mindset and I do NOT want to go back to depressing winter-land.
In other news, I applied for a scholarship type thing yesterday. I just have to get a hold of two teacher recommendations before March 1st...but the two I asked have not gotten back to me yet!! (A little worrisome...)
I'm hungry. and I've also noticed that my thoughts on boys fluctuate an awful lot. I wonder if I am PMSing. I sure hope not. I should check that out...
Dang. I think I am. Well, that explains a lot.
[approximately 1 am]
just a friendly reminder to myself for my next post...when it's not bedtime
hot gimmick end - talking with Ghosts - becoming myself again - january depression - it's so damn cold - french sucks - japanese hopes and aspirations - ache for HYD - i'm doing better - except for that once in a while heart-pounding moment
[4:30 pm]
hmm. my creative writing juices aren't really flowing quite yet. they were last night, but I really needed to get to bed. good thing I made that checklist.
I read the last book of the manga Hot Gimmick last night. It was really good, but of course I got reminded of things without even meaning to think about it.
At one point, the main girl character ended up realizing that no matter what she did, she still loved the main guy. No matter how she tried to get over him or forget about him, she loved him and that was that.
now, of course, this is just a thought. I guess...to best explain it is what I told my mother earlier today: it's not like I can just stop liking him automatically, like turning off a faucet...but it's fading. slowly but surely.
in other news, I got to hang out with him last night, more than I have been. I think that's good. because previously, in addition to talking to him so much because I liked him, we were becoming good friends. then, last week, as we all settled in and I got head-over-heels-angsty, we didn't really talk. I wasn't online. I didn't go down to his room. the few times we all had dinner, I didn't really say much.
I feel better now.
the past week and a half, I haven't been myself. I don't know if it was just stress times period, but whatever happened, it sucked. I'm glad it's winding down. I just have to figure out my schedule.
yeah, my schedule. Czech was too hard to do online, so I dropped that. But, seeing as how without it I'm at only 11 credits, I need something else to hold me up. I decided on a whim to go with French, but one day in that class (at 9:30 in the morning, no less) turned me off completely. I'm not sure what it was - the time, the fact I had already missed a week, the annoying pronunciations...but I know now for sure that I have no urge to learn French.
I'm awaiting an e-mail from my Japanese teacher ...I want her to tell me that I can do independent study for this semester and have it count as a 202/204 grade...but I don't know if it will work. If they let me, then it would be 3 credits and I could drop French without a second though. Now, you may be thinking, "But, that'd be just like Czech, right?!"
No, it wouldn't. Japanese doesn't count as studying.
I could watch dramas for practice, yeesh! Speaking of which, AHH HANA YORI DANGO!! jLKD;JFALKJD the 3rd episode airs tomorrow.
(will finish later...)
