This is one of those times where I had full intentions to go to bed, but as per usual my brain started a-churnin' and I had to get something out.
You know how you sometimes hit those pockets of time where you're totally into self-analysis and there's one point about yourself that you're just trying to figure out like no other? I've been in one of those swings lately.
But see, I was thinking that I couldn't write about this subject quite yet, because I wasn't confident with my analysis that I had so far, and also I just wasn't really comfortable with sharing it. It was an internal thing.
And then, I remembered. I remembered the first friend who really was watching my VOX, and what he did. Last year, as in, last school year, 2006, sometime in early first semester, this friend did a sort of... personality assessment, if you will. He kind of interviewed me, and then combined it all into one thing that could describe me. The result?
A bubble.
Yes. I am a bubble. And believe me, it's freakish how well it fits me. From the second he said it, we both knew it was absolutely correct. From little basic things like what I'm interested at the moment, to bigger things like why I make certain decisions, it is the perfect explanation. And every day since then, when I try to examine myself, his analysis pops up and I realize more and more how much of a bubble I am.
The subject that got me started on this was boys. Of course. It's always boys. But this was boys in relation to my own self. When I was younger, I had prided myself on being an open, trusting person. But today, my mother got me thinking. She said she thought I might be afraid to let people in. It was more of a side comment, really, part of a larger conversation and didn't really stimulate any debate. Mostly because I didn't know what to say. But anyway.
It ties in to all my problems with boyfriends. My mom has also been concerned about whether or not I'm too independent when it comes to the male sex. She has always raised me to be my own woman, to stand well on my own. You know, the mindset that if I end up as a crazy old hippie lady with nothing but cats, then that's okay and life is peachy.
But I think she fears that it's been pounded into my brain too much. That instead of accepting it if it comes along, that I'm striving for it. And I never know what to say to her when she comes up with things like that. Because I think, deep inside, I've been wondering those things too. At it's most basic, the question is -- why can I drop a guy so fast? It's not like I consciously decide that I don't care about them anymore, it just happens. And this goes for all boyfriends, not just K-boy. My first boyfriend that I dated for a year was out of my mind within the week after I broke up with him. Yeah, of course, I cried the first night, and was sad the next couple, but in general I recall being A-OK.
All these puzzling things come to a halt when applied to the Bubble Theory, however. It's simply a matter of nothing sticking to me properly. I float around, and some things stick quite well - like Japanese, drawing, reading, writing... but they're not always there. Sometimes they get detached, because I get annoyed or frustrated with them, and they just lay around me until I float over and pick them up again.
Other things come and go much more quickly -- certain anime or manga, story ideas (those are SUPER quick), songs, new games, anything like that. And then, boys. Boys don't seem to stick very well to me. Or, at least, they do, but they can be shaken off easily if I want. And that's what happens.
So I guess all I need to do is wait until there's a boy who will stick with a much stronger force than anyone before. I just don't know if it's a problem of myself needing to be more stickable, or just that I haven't met the right one yet.
(All I know is that I think my mom would be happier if I played around with boys more. I'm so boring.)
/end self analysis
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