instinct

and as always...

Nov 11, 2009
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I was right!

i woke up and felt just fine. today was rather nice actually. I dressed cool and got to enjoy some nice weather. <3

also yes I'm listening to Christmas music WHAT OF IT

i didn't mean to

Nov 11, 2009
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but I was suddenly listening to the most emo music I have (Something Corporate)

and I had just sent this terribly pathetic e-mail to my Psychology professor, because I really am hopeless and can't do anything but be an awful student

and it takes an outbreak of cold sores and canker sores for me to realize that I've been stressed

and recently I can't help but hate myself for being this thing that just flip-flops and can't pick a side on anything to be on

life is good

life sucks

i'm awesome

i hate myself

好き嫌い好き嫌い

neutral

can't do this

don't want anything but this

what are you, stupid?

i hate the word, but this is retarded.

and i can't even do anything about it except write a stupid blog post in a place that no one looks, except someone might look and then I'll just feel stupid

i should just hide this but then i'd feel even more pathetic

sometimes i wonder, am I depressed? but then I remember that that'd be stupid and I'm just trying to act like maybe I'm special or different or something.

and then I wonder, god, maybe i'm just bipolar, but then I remember that that'd be impossible, because bipolar doesn't work in the span of 5 minutes, it works over long periods of time, like months

it's more like that song by meredith brooks, "bitch".

i'd blame it on PMS like usual but that's not for another month

i could have so many worse problems. i could be living on the street.

i could be in iran. i could be in afghanistan. i could be in siberia ew.

but still, i can't help but feel sorry for myself and my stupid stupid stupidness

my mom, my grades, japan, everything...

and time passes, and i go and leave my cave of a room, and my mood can change in an instant.

the weight of my worries disappears, because that's what I do. my bubble. my sadness, being upset, being angry or frustrated, it's so easily lost. i love it most times except when i hate it.

i hate it because it all feels so fake. are my emotions even real if I can't hold on to them for longer than 5 minutes? and if they're fake, then why even bother feeling them? why can't i just be happy 100% of the time? that's all i want. even if my negative emotions only exist in my heart for a short period of time, they're still painful. and when i feel them, they're so, so strong. it's frustrating. draining. if i'm going to feel them, then why can't i feel them like a normal person. i hate my emotions and opinions jumping all over the place. i hate it so much.

it's only once in a while that i feel the need to blab on stupidly like this. once in a while because it's stupid, and once in a while because when i wake up in the morning, it won't matter anymore. maybe in a few nights, I'll feel like this again, but not strongly enough to write about it endlessly in a disjointed matter. because i'm a flip-flopper.

i'll wake up and say, "Oh, well, it's not so bad after all. I was just being emo." and I'll honestly feel that way. it's not some cover up, not some sweeping under the rug. or maybe it is, and i just don't realize it. i'll also feel regret for having hit the post button, but oh well. sometimes i just need to get shit out so I can pack it up in another box and let it not bother me. maybe i'll toss it in the garbage truck next time it drives by.

i should probably stop reading After School Nightmare. it's making me think too much on angst that was already boiling up inside of me as of late. BAD ANGST, BAD ANGST, SHUT UP YOU'RE NOT A TEENAGER ANYMORE /slapping self around.

afterthought

Sep 13, 2009
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憂鬱なあたしが一番きらい。

あらー

Jul 4, 2009
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キスした。

♪

はい!もしもし・・・夏です!

Jun 4, 2009
1 comment

Summerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!

I love summer.

the seed of dreams

May 13, 2009
2 comments

so there she is, across the hall, sitting in her bed

and here I am, letter in hand, heart breaking, pounding, exploding

re-reading

thinking

imagining

listening to stupid sad songs and wondering what the fuck I'm doing

oh man oh man oh man

Apr 30, 2009
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Laura's plane gets here in twenty minutes.

TWENTY.

HADSLKHFGADL;ADLKHFASDLHGASDHFLAKSDJGF

stupid internet stuff ; you can skip this

Apr 28, 2009
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I try and keep real-life stuff on this blog, but this time I'm going to detour and talk about my RP life because I'm an idiot and have something stupid bothering me.

I'd post this back on my Livejournal, where I'd prefer it to be, but I'm not ballsy enough. Mostly because a. I don't know what to do about it yet, b. I can't even figure out what's wrong, and c. I've got three friends from the RP on my flist that, while they would normally be the first I would tell about these sorts of things, somehow... I'd feel so, so stupid saying it to them.

Anyway. On to the actual problem.

I've been in this LJ RP since about December, been pretty flaky about it but I'm a mod so I stick around. I really do enjoy it, and it's a fun community with good peoples, but for some reason lately I can't get myself to participate. I check the new posts (kind of) daily. I check the OOC community. I'm in the chat every day, all the time. But about two weeks ago, I got off-track because of Easter weekend. And ever since then, I can't get back on the RP bandwagon. (well, not like I was fully on it in the first place, but.)

Two weeks might not seem like much, but it's a long time in the RP world. Especially since I'm rarely around anyway. I mean, I have my excuses, sure. School (finals, hello, very true), socializing (parties, very reasonable), work (well yes, but...), translating (on hold, so...), and a myriad of other things like food, sleep and hygiene.

But what about all those other times in-between? Like right now for instance? Instead of writing this stupid rambling post about how I can't RP, I could go reply to some of the new threads popping up. But just the thought is so... unappealing. Have I lost my muse for my character, Mikey? I don't think so. He's incredibly easy to play and understand.

So what could it be? I can't figure it out.

Hopefully, the new character that I'm planning to unveil sometime next week will boost my RP energy... I'm excited about her, but I just hope that I can manage to not drop threads so easily like I do with Mikey. That's a bad habit of mine.

まあ、ﾊﾞｶなことだけどがんばる。
｢取るに足りない問題」という場合かなぁ・・・・・・

it must be somewhere in the sunny afternoon

Apr 20, 2009
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I give myself very good advice;
but I very seldom follow it.
That explains the trouble that I'm always in.
"Be patient" is very good advice;
but the waiting makes me curious.
And I'd love the change should something strange begin.
Well, I went along my merry way,
and I never stopped to reason.
I should have known there'd be a price to pay someday.
Someday.
I give myself very good advice;
but I very seldom follow it.
Will I ever learn to do the things I should?